Conscious Relating: How dating in your 50s can be spiritual practice

Recently, I was a guest on the popular podcast Dating While Grey. Although my hair is not (much) grey, I am in my 50s and dating at this stage of my life has been one of the most excellent spiritual practices yet. With today’s divorce rates nudging over 40%, we are being called to create deeper intentions and more consciousness in relationships than ever before. Whether venturing into online dating or seeking to enrich an existing relationship, the path to intimacy starts with a commitment to personal growth, understanding of human behaviour and conscious relating.

When choosing to look at relating through a conscious and spiritual lens, there are a few key points to remember:

First, few people were given a manual for relationships. We picked up our tools by watching our (possibly dysfunctional) parents, television, or communities. A few lucky folks have mastered conscious relating, the rest of us get to practice it in real time during relationships. Be gentle with yourself and the others. And, importantly, remember that “everyone does the best they can given their model of reality of the world, their capacity and their resources.”

Second, conscious relating is a playground for deeper personal and spiritual understanding of yourself.  You will learn more about yourself as you explore how you show up in relationship than you ever could on your own.  It is easy to keep your heart and mind open when life is going great, but what happens to your zen and clear heart when your significant other or dating partner pokes a live trigger? And where do those triggers stem from? And how can you meet them with loving presence?  When on the relationship playground, bring your playful curious and most open energy and loving intentions. It will make the journey worthwhile.

Third, Intimacy goes beyond physical encounters. It is a profound connection that nurtures and sustains a relationship. This connection stems from openly sharing your truths, fears, vulnerabilities, pain, joys, and shadows. It involves celebrating all aspects of your partner while also revealing your authentic self.

Finally, conscious communication is the key to successful conscious relating. Here are eight steps to Conscious Communication in any relationship (not just a romantic partnership):

1, Take a few deep breaths and ground yourself in the moment by feeling your body. What is relaxed, and what is activated? Meet your physiological sensations with kindness and curiosity. This is a (daily) practice of tuning into your body and, without judgement or story, naming its sensations (the language of the body).

2, Ask your partner if they are available to listen rather than just jumping into a conversation that you feel is important. Be willing to hear a “not now” and plan a time to talk. I like to begin difficult conversations with “I have something to share, do you have the capacity to listen?” (with my adult children, friends, and relationship partners).

3. When in a conflict, present the “raw data” of what happened, followed by how you felt in response to that event. Less is best. e.g., “you didn’t return my message for a few hours and it left me wondering if you were ignoring me, bringing up my familiar feelings of rejection” (did I mention this would be vulnerable?). Avoid adding assumptions and inserting stories that may not be real in the moment (kitchen sinking).

4. Speak in “I” statements rather than “you” which is blaming (you might catch yourself making this mistake over and over… then you will catch others doing it (focus on your own transition from “you” to “I”).

5. Own your emotions (“in this moment I am aware that I am feeling…” rather than “you make me feel…”). Making others responsible for your feelings is giving away your power.

6. Avoid making assumptions, rather share your truth and ask for what you need. No one can read your mind (nor do they really want to). For example, instead of “you don’t care about us”, share “I miss our time together and it is really important for me that we plan one night a week that is just for us without distractions of work or kids.”

7. When your partner shares something about you that might hit a nerve (i.e., trigger), ask yourself “where are they right?” and use this mirroring opportunity for your own personal growth.

8. As the listener, you have nothing to fix. Rather, hold space, that is, listen with empathy, reflect on what you heard, and affirm that this experience was true for your partner. Avoid defending or trying to argue their reality.

Diana Lockett is a Conscious Communication Leadership Consultant and Coach passionate about educating and mentoring individuals in their personal, professional, and relational growth. She is a Speech-Language Pathologist, transformational speaker and 6 x bestselling author.  Her most recent book, “The Call to Freedom: Heal Your Pain, Awaken Your Loving Presence, is a guide to living fully embodied, on purpose and with surrendered joy.